6 Things I’ve Learned Writing About Myself

I’m about to finish writing the final season of my TV show project, which will be an INCREDIBLE accomplishment. It has been a full year and 200,000+ words of what I hope to look back on and consider the beginning of my “writing career”. In honor of its closing I wanted to talk about what I’ve learned on this auto-biographical journey:

 

1. Things that I didn’t think we’re such a big deal turned out to be pivotal moments in my life.

Honestly, I had SO much self-discovery during this project. There were scenes that got me double thinking of why I had chosen that particular thing to write in. But overall, those little moments uncovered my flaws, my greatest strengths and some deeply ingrained fears. In re-reading episodes, I often put myself on the psychiatrist couch and just learned all about Val.

 

2. Things that were irritating at the time turned out to be the funniest things to write.

On the other hand, things that were SUCH A BIG DEAL in my teenage world turned out to be nothing. Writing my over-dramatic reactions had me laughing out loud a lot.

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Pictured: Me.

3. Writing someone else’s POV caused me to develop a deeper respect for them.

When I was FORCED to come up with reasons why person X did reaction Y it really made me appreciate that person in real life… even if those reasons were completely fabricated. This happened with nearly everyone I wrote about. The more scenes I constructed the more I realized that these guys are some DANG STRONG CHARACTERS. Being able to be that ghostly third-person presence, really helped me to change my perspective.

 

4. I am a little to a lot conceited…

It is really difficult not to twist things to make yourself seem really great… Soooo this is embarrassing… there are five different male characters who are in love with Elle. Oops. That doesn’t seem bad, but considering how few consistent characters there are… it comes off as A LOT. I think I did this because I was so flattered when anyone liked me that I wanted to write about all of them… all five. I’m sure when my children pick up these old manuscripts they’ll either cringe or roll their eyes.

Breakfast-Club-So-Popular

5. Human memory is really unreliable

Pardon my symbols, but this is freaky as $^*%. I actually had accrued false memories over a ten year span. Memory is a joke. This one scene had me so freaked out, I was wrapping tin foil around my head and crying on the floor. This is how I remembered the memory: I was asked out on a date in the summer… But then I told a friend about it at school who came over after to help me do my hair… But then one of the guys on the date had brass knuckles in a FREAKING COAT POCKET. But guess what? It all took place during the summer after all. What the what!? How can you trust anything that has happened to you in your lifetime? Doesn’t that concept just CREEP YOU OUT?

 

6. I plan to keep writing.

I really have enjoyed every minute that I’ve poured into these pages and I have a lot more stories to tell. . .

In fact. . .

I will be announcing my next project in September!!!!

new project announcement

Be very excited.

 

 

If you can’t wait for my new mysterious project, then let me tell you where to accrue some good reading. Usborne Books is really cool. They have tons of amazing educational kids books. If you’re a mom or a teacher or a weird hybrid mix like me, this is a great resource for you:

J6433.myubam.com

 

And if you want to know more about my-life-turned-TV-show click HERE.

 

The Time I Blew My Crush Away… With Snot

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Once upon a time I liked this guy. And really the core reason for the infatuation was that he was just so GOSH DARN FUNNY. He wasn’t even attractive necessarily, but he was to me! Every time I was with him I just basked in the audience of our own private comedy club. I mean he had my heart from the first time he got me cackling like a witch.

So I was NOT about to miss an opportunity to see him. Even if I had the most horrendous death-bed virus. I popped Dayquil like a meth addict because NOTHING WILL KEEP ME FROM THIS MAN’S JOKES.

sickface
“What? No! I hardly even feel sick. I look fine. Let’s go!”

I meet up with him. Doing everything in my will power to keep from serenading him with “Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel”. And you know what? It was a great time! Everything went off as smooth as could be…

And then we said goodbye.

Uhhhhh… Why do I even tell you these horribly awkward things?

We say goodbye and he drops the granddaddy of all jokes. It’s like every punchline had led up to THIS punchline. It caught me completely off guard and I didn’t even have time to attempt a pretty giggle (which I never ever do anyways). I snort. I forget to open my mouth and the laugh comes OUT MY NOSE. And that’s not the only thing that came out my nose.

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I don’t know how you can tell certain shapes by feel only… but I could tell that I had actually just formed a bubble of snot. It didn’t even pop right away. It was brought to life right there on my nostril and was just going to kick it for a while. And I have a big nose, so you know it was not the average snot bubble.

HORRIFIED I pinch it off with my fingers. He sort of reared back in confusion and then kept on talking. I’m like… Did he even see that? Maybe he didn’t even see that… How could he not have seen it? It was right in front of his face!

But here’s the new predicament: I now have a handful of green snot that I had just collected off my face. Okay, I’m not about to wipe it anywhere. That would confirm what he may or may not have seen. So I stick my wet hand into the pocket of my jacket on the sly. I’m figuring I can get to a bathroom just as soon as this guy leaves.

I cleared my throat a couple of times just so he KNEW I was sick and that I don’t produce a Nickelodeon amount of snot every single time.

snotme

My answer came as to whether or not he had seen it, when he EXTENDED HIS HAND TO SHAKE MINE GOODBYE.

Things didn’t work out with that guy.

 

 

If that wasn’t embarrassing enough for you, you can watch me retch on camera trying to eat baby food! My best friend has a YouTube channel and I often guest star. If you like a lot of my mommy posts and baby stuff, then you will love this channel because she has tons of pregnancy and mom vlogs. You should check it out!

 

How I Met My Husband

In honor of our third year anniversary coming up, I thought I’d share our “cute meet”.

in love

So… I went on a date with this guy… not my husband. We got locked inside The Training Table and spent 4 hours making a zombie apocalypse plan. You know, just your normal typical American date… wait, right? It was super fun but also super mutually platonic. In fact, this guy (his name is Scott) felt like he was on a date with his friend Dan the entire night because we were so alike. Later, he went up to said Dan and was like…

SCOTT: “You need to go out with this girl… she is exactly like you… but a girl.”

DAN: “No!!! NO MORE SET UPS!”

Dan had been over saturated with being set up by the time that I came along and was completely over it. Fortunately, Scott went about it in a clever way. He invited me to a party that Dan was having at his house. Sneaky, sneaky!

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It was a President’s Day party, which was super unique and I didn’t have anything else going on because school was off for the day. So my good friend Alison and I decided to go together. And the weird part was that I had this conversation with Ali on the way up.

ME: “Maybe you’ll meet your future husband at this party!”

ALI: “Yeah right, that’ll probably happen to you.”

ME: “I seriously doubt it.”

I actually wasn’t even going to stay very late at the party because I had a date the next morning. (I went on SO MANY dates back then.)

making things hawt

We get there. We park on this dark little street in Salt Lake and then walk up to this huge fancy house… (Which I still think is Scott’s house because he’s the one who invited me. I’m like, “Wow! I didn’t know Scott was loaded!”) Anyway, we rang the doorbell… and this suuuuuuuper cute brunette guy answers the door.

I’m immediately BLOWN AWAY. He has the most perfect brown eyes, which was like my thing that I was really into. And this amazing smile. Honestly, I could have just dropped dead on the porch because DANG! This doorman is 10/10. I even leaned over to Ali and whispered, “I REALLY hope this is the right party if that guy’s going to be here!”

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I’m probing my friends all night like: Who is that guy that answered the door? Does anyone know that guy that answered the door? ‘Kay but, that guy that answered the door is super-hot! Who is he?

I was totally creeping on him but he was trying to host in his big ol’ house, so I didn’t get a chance to talk to him for a while. A little bit later on, I’m hanging out with Ali and company… and then all of the sudden I overhear Door-Answering-Guy saying this to someone else:

DAN: “I tried to take a girl to the Ted Bundy house for a date once… it did not go over well.”

I FREAKED out! And not because he kind of sounded like a serial killer… but because this dude is not only really attractive, he’s also adventurous, funny and loves creepy stuff like me! At this point I’m like… okay… I need to infiltrate this conversation. So I wedge myself in between him and the guy and gave him my ring size… Just kidding, it was probably something more like:

ME: “Hey, I couldn’t help overhearing. But I also love breaking into abandoned houses and such.”

Right in that moment our spooky little hearts clicked. And then we kept discovering more weird stuff that we both liked. “What?! I like watching awful movies too!” “Omg! I love pranking people.” “No, Halloween is MY favorite holiday!” “You do that? I DO THAT! I didn’t know anyone else did that!” We might as well have had horse blinders on because we totally tuned out anyone else around us.

murdermystery

We could not stop talking. One in the morning… Two in the morning… Three in the morning. I sent Ali a text on the sly:

ME: “Thank you so much for being such a good friend and staying with me! I’m really digging this guy right now!”

When my mom called wondering where I had died at this ungodly hour, I sent her a less gracious message:

ME: “Mom just CHILL OUT! I think I found my eternal companion okay? Don’t make me look lame in front of him!”

festival

When I finally was able to be dragged away and into the car outside I remember saying,

ME: “Was that my soul mate? That was so easy! I don’t know why I was so worried about meeting him!”

Scott never even had to introduce us. As soon as we met the dirty deed was done. Things continued to be just as easy from there and he proposed to me two and a half months after the party.

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Whew! It’s good that Daniel wasn’t just after my kingdom.

 

 

Life is unpredictable. You never know when you could meet the love of your life or see a dream come true. And if you still don’t feel hopeful then listen to this lovely uplifting song by Annie! Let her voice convince you that life is worth living and why.

 

Easy Crock Pot Chicken Recipe

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Pro tip: Use a crock pot liner for ultimate laziness!

Why don’t you let dinner cook itself tonight?

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INGREDIENTS:

1 8 oz block of cream cheese

2 chicken breasts

1 can of Cream of Chicken soup

1 packet of dry Italian dressing

 

DIRECTIONS:

Throw it all into the crock pot and cook 4 – 6 hours on high. Serve with rice.

(I like to zap the cream cheese in the microwave for 3 minutes and mix the ingredients together beforehand so they coat the chicken more evenly… but you don’t even have to do that.)

This recipe feeds my husband and I. We almost always have leftovers. But you can double all the ingredients to feed more.

PS. Once I accidentally made this dinner with dry ranch dressing instead of Italian and you know what? It was still pretty dang good!

 

 

My recipes are super easy, but they’re not always healthy… thankfully, there’s a new blog to help with that! Wildly Better is dedicated to your well-being not just physically but mentally and spiritually. Give the link below a click and get inspired today!

https://kevansatl.wixsite.com/wildybetter17

 

 

 

 

Identity Crisis: Main Characters

Here’s a quick break-down of the main characters in the TV show that I’m writing and the actors that I think could play them. Ideally, I wouldn’t want any well-known actors because I feel that would make the show less relatable. (Just my personal preference) BUT the problem with make-believe casting them is that I only know well-known actors… so here’s as close as it would be.

(Also! Just want to note that because it’s an autobiographical show, these characters are inspired by real people. However, that doesn’t mean that they are real people. For example, MOST of my characters are made up from multiple people that I’ve met. And some of their character descriptions have been altered from real life to fiction.)


 

ELLE “The Protagonist”

ELLE is a sixteen-year-old human contradiction. She is a very wholesome girl who attends church weekly but has a closet obsession with Halloween and everything horror. She’s talented at public speaking, yet dreads attending large parties. Although she is a fairly pretty girl, she dresses like a mid-aged suburban mom.

ElleCasting

 

It’s hard to cast yourself, but I think someone like Emily Osment would be able to do the job. I need someone who would be able to do comedy and drama interchangeably. Not only that but someone who could showcase the contrast between “wholesome Elle” and “punk Elle”.

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Me and other me

 

 

When we did the concept art for the show, I cast a young local actress, Hailey, as Elle for the pictures. My photographer pointed out how alike we acted. She flat out said, “Hailey IS Elle”. I would absolutely cast her as me. She’s a talented actress and I feel confident that she would do an excellent job.

 


 

RONNIE “The Bad Influence”

RONNIE (17) is a reflection of ELLE’s contradictory personality. He’s a generally quiet person, but really has very little inhibitions. He knows everything there is to know about cool music and his life revolves around it. Under his black and beaten style he is actually quite tall, dark and handsome.

RonnieCasting2

 

I think a young Diego Luna would be cool as Ronnie. I just really envision this role being played by a Hispanic actor. I don’t know why. The person who inspired this character isn’t even remotely Hispanic.

 

 

 


 

JEREMY “The Troublemaker”

JEREMY (18) a long-haired “burn-out” dressed in ripped jeans, a black hoodie and beanie. He’s the type of kid that sits in the back of the class and everyone suspects is the uni-bomber. To find another person with even half of his passion would prove impossible. He’s an avid defender of things being just and fair and would probably have the gumption to murder someone over it, if he didn’t love his mother so much. 

JeremyCasting

 

Okay, I know that casting this person would require a time machine, even more so than the others. But I just don’t care. I want teenage Richard Dreyfus to play this role SO bad. My heart is totally set on it. Not even the real Jeremy can change my mind.

 


 

BRANDON “The Judgmental Ex”

He has thick hair and a sharp, pointy face. That fact that he is attractive in only the mildest sense does nothing to deflate his Adonic self-concept. BRANDON (17) is a very clean cut boy, and although there is no conscious reason not to like him something is very insincere about the way he smiles.

BrandonCasting

 

Will freaking Poulter. Oh my gosh, just look at this kid’s face. Don’t you just want him to see him be a snooty villain? Plus Poulter’s comedic timing is impeccable which is just what this over-the-top character needs.

 


 

TAYLOR “The Bridge”

TAYLOR (17) is a stunning, dark-haired girl. She is unenthused about being at rehearsal since she had auditioned for the play just a few weeks ago and didn’t make the cut. Her not being cast was probably chalked up to school politics rather than talent, because TAYLOR is very good at acting. In fact, she is very good at everything. She excels at school. She is the president of the student association. She is even very good at being naturally beautiful which is churning JEREMY’S stomach just looking at her.

TaylorCasting

 

I just have a feeling that someone like Emily Browning would do a good job as Taylor. And that’s really it… nothing more than just a feeling. Logically, I want to say that someone like Miranda Cosgrove would be able to pull off her personality better but I’m just stuck on Emily Browning for some reason.

 

 

 


 

TYSON “The Voice of Reason”

ELLE turns to her desk partner TYSON (17) a smart, well-dressed kid. He’s a master of dry humor and is constantly lost in his own irony. He’s the one that you can always count on for the truth even when you don’t want to hear it.

TysonCasting

 

There’s a myriad of YouTube personalities that could fit well as Tyson. Shane Dawson is both sarcastic and personable enough to be able to capture this more complex character.

 

 

 


 

ADAM “The Mysterious New Student”

The door swings open and in breezes ADAM (17) a classic Hollywood-handsome boy. Every girl in class drops her jaw, including ELLE. As ADAM walks down the aisle amongst the chairs, several of the girls quickly move their purses and backpacks off of the seats next to them. He quietly picks a seat in the back of the room away from everyone.

AdamCastingThis is the only character that I care about being “good-looking”. And that’s only because it moves some of the plot elements forward. I feel like Adam would be the hardest character to cast for hands down. It would need to be someone effortlessly talented, since Adam has to make the audience feel the entire spectrum of emotions. I’m still not sold on anyone, but maybe if I could resurrect a healthier River Phoenix. He could probably pull it off.

 


 

CASEY “The Second Act Hero”

If CASEY (16) didn’t look so humanistic you might mistake him for a puppy. Excitable, friendly and loud – very loud. Fiercely loyal, athletic, always thinking about food… CASEY is absolutely dripping with personality and leaves puddles of personality everywhere he walks.

CaseyCasting

 

To cast a Casey it would have to be a Casey. So I would look at actors who just radiate fun. Someone like Zach Levi or Chris Pratt (without all the fame to his name).

 

 

 


 

Also I want to cast my teenage celebrity crush, Ricky Ullman, as my husband when he appears in the series.

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suchacutie

AM I WRONG?!??

To learn more about this creative writing project click HERE.

 

Every week I give a small business or creative endeavor a shout-out at the end of my blog post. If you need more views or traffic and are interested in being featured, please contact me.

The Time I Exposed Myself at a Water Park

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I’m a pretty conservative LDS girl, so when my boyfriend wanted to take me to a water park for my 20th birthday, I spent two hours trying to find a bathing suit that I felt gave me adequate coverage. I finally settled for a tankini and a pair of swim shorts.

We went to Seven Peaks, which then was called “Raging Waters”. (Why am I old enough to have “back-in-my-day” facts?) This place had some of the most SKETCHY TRAUMATIZING NOPE LOOKIN’ DEATH SLIDES I’VE EVER SEEN. The one in question today is this one:

water slide
An engineer actually sat down and thought this up like, “You know what would be great? A roller-coaster with a double hill, but instead of safety restraints you slide face-first on a flimsy mat. Yes. I am a genius.”

So I’m obviously pretty freaked anyways standing in line for this Saw-contraption. But then I start to notice something… most of the kids DON’T MAKE IT UP THE SECOND HILL. And yes I realize they are children and yes I realize that I had just turned 20 years old. But back in the day I straight up weighed as much a child, okay. I was like a Tim Burton puppet of an actual person. Which… not anymore since having a kid and discovering that you can put coconut-flavored syrup into soda. Have you guys tried that yet!? Ohhhhh maaaaaannnn. Droooool.

What was I talking about again?

Okay so, I’m watching these kids being escorted off the middle of the slide and my fear of heights is suddenly replaced with my fear of public humiliation. No way is that going to be me! I’m not going to lose momentum and then loudly squeak as I skid back down to the bottom of the hill. Not happening!

I get to the top of the slide and look straight down into hell it goes down so far. At this point I’m thinking that I would prefer not to enjoy the stupid ride at all. But it’s one of the busiest days at the park, and I just Rip-Van-Winkle-waited in a sweltering line to get up here. Plus I can’t let my boyfriend think I’m not cool so here we go, we’re going.

I plummet down the slide like Aladdin trying to escape the cave of wonders. I start to go up onto the second hill. Good so far. And just as I’m about to crest the top I feel gravity start to tug me back down to the valley of shame. I’m like NOT TODAY SON. And I actually grab hold of both sides of the slide and physically pull myself up the last four feet.

lion king mufasa asked for scars help

I make it to the top and down the rest of the way into the pool where my man was waiting for me. I am so ecstatic about this accomplishment of sliding down a slide that I jump out of the water with my hands above my head cheering as loud as possible.

That’s when I see my boyfriend’s very uncomfortable face and desperate hand gestures over his chest. I just stand there staring at him, trying to decipher what this means. He mouths, “Your suit!” … I look down to see my girls completely out. 100% out there.

Turns out pulling myself up the slide had pulled down the bra part of my tankini. Mortified, I drop down into the pool to adjust my top… even though I had already cheered and waggled around in front of at least six dozen people. I got out of the pool and we hit it out of there. I didn’t even collect any of my Mardi Gras beads, we just left.

And I’ve never gone back to that place.

 


Want to expose yourself in a cute controlled way? My friend Kim can hook you up through Pure Romance. They have a lot of fun things you can share with your partner. And if you’re really vanilla like me there are lotions and creams and bath things too. Spice things up or cool things down, but look it up. I’ll see you next Thursday.

https://www.pureromance.com/kimberlyhittle

 

Our Birth Story: Jack

Warning: The details of this story may be gross to some readers… But some details are also beautiful. Either way here’s the whole darn thing.

 

My son is about to turn one years old and I’ve been thinking a lot about how he came into the world. This is how the day looked.

Black is my perspective, blue is my husband’s.

8 AM

I woke up to contractions. I didn’t tell my husband and he left for work. BECAUSE!!! I had been having dang fake contractions the whole entire week. Every day I THOUGHT I was going into labor and then nothing ever happened. So when Saturday rolled around. I sent my husband away and tried to go back to sleep.

Normal day. I was getting for excited Val to be induced the next night. Didn’t think she had already started!

12 PM

My mom called and asked if I wanted lunch, I replied casually with, “Sure, but I think I’m in labor.” My parents brought me lunch and we watched Fiddler on the Roof. I sent Dan a text letting him know.

My thought was, okay… she had “contractions” the other day. So I told her just to watch and wait. I just thought it was random contractions not actual labor.

so huge
Last year’s 4th of July

About 5 PM

By the end of that long movie I was crumpled over and whimpering. I was trying really hard to make it until my husband was off of work but when I fell down to my knees and started bawling my father STRONGLY recommended I go to the hospital now. I called Dan at the pharmacy who by now had gotten a couple of texts about the progressing contractions.

Me:     I’m going to the hospital. This is it.
Him:   Are you sure?
Me:     I’m going to reach through the phone and punch you.

I doubted it because of the nonchalant way we said goodbye that day! It seemed like any other day!

6 PM

When a woman is in labor she’s supposed to have one contraction every five minutes that lasts one minute. My contractions lasted five minutes each.
I consider myself a very passive and non-confrontational person but labor-me was a beast not to be trifled with.

Mom:  Don’t forget to breath.
Me:      DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!
Mom:  This is so exciting!
Me:      CAN YOU NOT SOUND SO CHEERFUL!

Daniel arrived and I was glad, but in too much pain to talk or move. The nurses had mercy on me and admitted me to labor and delivery. As soon as I found out I was admitted I asked for an epidural.

So I’m rushing to get there worrying that she’s super far into labor. And when I arrived it was pretty anticlimactic, everyone was sitting there in dead silence. Val’s parents look terrified/awkward. Val was basically like I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO ANYONE EVER AGAIN.

 The nurse offers to administer Fentanyl, which surprises me, because it’s the strongest possible pain medication that we carry at my retail pharmacy. I personally thought it was overkill #manspective  (his hashtag not mine) The nurse gives it to her, the only difference is that it made her feel better enough to be able to scream.

8 PM

once I got the epidural everything was coming up Valerie. It was an entirely different experience. I LOVED MY MEDICATED BIRTH! LOVE LOVE LOVE! I intend to birth all my children on a paralyzing spinal tube. I felt freaking fantastic. I ate a couple of popsicles, I watched Home Alone 2, I even sent out a couple Snapchats:

‘Kay so, before my wife gets the epidural I’m thinking wow, this is terrifying. It’s just like those birth vlogs. She’s screaming and in pain and the nurses are in awe of how long her contractions are. I’m really scared for my wife. Epidural gets placed and then all the sudden Val and I are just chillin’! It’s like Val forgot she was in labor and is chit-chatting. It was like night and day. 

12 AM

It was somewhere around this time that they told me I was fully dilated and ready to push. And I was like, “Wow no kidding? That just flew by.” (Loved my epidural) I had been really nervous about this part but it wasn’t bad in the least. In fact they kept asking me if I wanted a break and I was like, nah I’m cool. It took HOURS, but I was fine because I could not feel a single thing. I guess I pulled a muscle in the process and there was some bleeding thing? But I couldn’t tell at all! I was a little nauseous every time I pushed and so my nurse offered me medication for it.
Yes. Give me all the drugs.

I was ready for the pushing to start. It had been a while. It just added to the excitement which had replaced the fear once my wife was taken care of. Now I start to think about the kid.
So at one point, Val’s been pushing and the nurses are super calm. And then all the sudden a TON of blood comes out of her. At least a full pint. One nurse looks at the other and casually says, “Okay. Call the doctor.” So I’m freaking out and say out loud, “Is that normal?” I guess it was…

3 AM

Pop! Jack came out and started crying. And so did Dan and I. It was surreal and beautiful. The doctor put him on my chest and he lifted his little head up at me! I think I just kept sobbing over and over again, “My son! My son!” Which is a little melodramatic in retrospect, but I mean COME ON! This is MY baby! I successfully made, grew and exited a person with my body! Isn’t that so incredible and gross?
Super healthy kid. 7 lbs 11 ounces. 20 inches long. Didn’t even look too much like a wrinkly old man! Handsome right away. Can’t believe that was a year ago!

Baby comes out. It is literally THE craziest thing you could ever imagine as you get a first glance at this human that just a minute ago had been a bump on my wife. Val starts doing her happy cry as she sees his little body. And I am just elated to see him and hear his sweet little cry. And it’s just surreal. Absolutely surreal. None of this is sinking in. (It won’t for weeks) I was overwhelmed with happiness. 

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Finally, when we left the hospital I wondered why they let us take this little person with us! Do they really think we’re that responsible?

Well I guess we did okay! Here’s to one year of his sweet presence in our home!

 

Are you celebrating something of your own soon? Gotta get a cake! And here is the best place to go:

https://makincakes.wixsite.com/cakes

She has the cutest lil’ cakes. Go look at the cow cake. Just LOOK AT IT!

 

Top 5 Best of the Worst Movies I’ve Ever Seen

My husband and I are fine connoisseurs of terrible movies. It’s basically our go-to date night activity. So we have seen quite a handful of UNBELIEVABLY poor-quality movies, more than enough for me to put together a “Top 5”.

I will say to those who share our hobby, most of the movies on this list are “trash classics”. So if you are looking for an undiscovered cult experience… that may have to wait for another day. However, if you are new to the ironic B-movie movement. Welcome! This is a good list for you:

5. ALL THE SHARK MOVIES…

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We have seen A LOT of campy shark movies, the most entertaining being “Sharktopus” down to the studiest “Avalanche sharks”. Not to mention: 2-Headed Shark Attack, Shark Lake, Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark, Mega Shark vs. Crocosauras, Sharknado 1 through whatever, Sandsharks and even Shark Exorcist.

Quick sum up:
Monster shark is a mindless people-eating-machine that cannot be stopped.

Sample:

For their exact same plot as the original Jaws film, I’m giving this entire genre an award for Dumbest Adapted/Stolen Screenplay.

4. The Room

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This is considered “The Citizen Kane” of bad movies, and honestly I could not agree more. It has so many big dramatic plot twists that for some reason are only mentioned once and are never talked about ever again (like the neighbor kid’s drug problem and a mom who has breast cancer). Some of the weirdest lines I’ve ever heard come from this movie, like “Leave your stupid comments in your pocket”. Also he has framed pictures of spoons all over his house…

Quick Sum Up:
Everyone loves Tommy except for his backstabbing evil fiancée Lisa. After Lisa begins to have an affair with his best friend things get VERY dramatic.

Sample:

For this movie, I’m giving Tommy Wiseau the Best Unintentionally Comedic Actor Award and Most Bat-Shiz Crazy Director Award.

3. Birdemic: Shock and Terror

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No other movie will make you say, “What was that?” like this movie will. They have several casual picnics DURING the killer bird rampage. And the “Birdemic” doesn’t even start until like 45 minutes into the movie. This one is entertaining but painful. If you chose to watch this one be prepared to see every moment of the main characters day to day routine… like gassing up their cars after work and a three minute business meeting scene of just straight up clapping.

Quick Sum Up:
Natalie and Rod are falling in love and having fun… until the town is terrorized by killer eagles that can spit acid. Apparently the birds started killing everyone due to climate change? Just give peace a chance.

Sample:

Birdemic sweeps my aCRAPemy awards with Stupidest Visual Effects, Crappiest Film Editing and Most Questionable Sound Editing. Birdemic also earns a Best Worst Original Song Award for its hit “Hanging Out With My Family” and I’m unapologetically giving the woman who played Natalie’s mom Best Actress in a Supporting Role.

2. Troll 2

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We LOVE this movie. Anytime we invite someone over to our house we force them to watch this movie. It’s truly a vision. You just have to see it to believe. And if you’re wondering whether you have to see the first Troll beforehand… don’t worry, it’s not a sequel to anything and there aren’t even “Trolls” in it.

Quick Sum Up:
Joshua and his family go on vacation to Nilbog, only to discover that it’s the Goblin capital of the world! Only Josh’s dead grandpa can help to destroy these vegetarian goblins that turn people into plants before eating them.

Sample:

Deborah Reed’s portrayal of “The Goblin Queen” earns her a Best Over-the-top Performance Award, while the film itself receives Craziest Art Direction, Most Hilarious Costume Design and Possibly a Foreign Language Film…

And the award for Overall WORST picture goes to…

1. Fateful Findings

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I didn’t know it was possible to mess up every single component of a movie, but Fateful Findings enlightens me on just how bad film-making can be. I understand that a lot of movies on this list were American movies made by foreign directors and that there were some language barrier issues. But this guy… it’s like an alien director tried to make an Earth movie.

Quick sum up: 
Oh man… okay.

Soooo this guy hacks into secret government files with the use of his teleportation crystal powers… I think? He goes to the hospital and falls in love with the neurosurgeon / childhood girlfriend who helps to heal him through magic crystal power… maybe? His wife becomes addicted to his painkillers while his drunk neighbor is murdered for some reason? He also has two therapists, one who’s like… a ghost? A bunch of laptops and salad falls to the ground but doesn’t stop Neil Breen from exposing the president of “The Bank”.

Sample:

Along with Worst Picture, I’m also giving this film an award for Weirdest Cinematography and Most Confusing Original Screenplay.

These movies skipped out on a quality check, but you don’t have to. Wisdom Web Services is a great way to get the most out of your website and snag those viewers! You can get a free analysis of your site or schedule to meet with a web development consultant.

wisdomwebservices.us

 

 

How to make a “Man Casserole”

 

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The lady who gave me this recipe calls it “The Man Casserole”, because it’s so easy that even a man can make it. Is that sexist? Yeah. Is it delicious? Yeah!

 

INGREDIENTS:

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I used “Mexican Style Blend” because that’s what was in my house. It tastes good either way

1 1/2 cups uncooked macaroni

1 cup shredded cheddar cheese 

1 1/2 cups cut-up cooked chicken

1 can cream of chicken soup

1 cup of milk

 

 

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It looks like this before you bake it

DIRECTIONS:

Mix all ingredients in a 1 1/2-qt casserole dish.

Cover tightly.

Bake at 350 for 1 hour.

 

That’s it… That’s all you do.

(In fact, I just use a can of chicken to save myself from even that part.)

 

 

I LOVE effortless recipes so if you have any, send them to me to try out!

 

You know what’s even worse than cooking? Yard work. Want a solution? Fake grass. My friend Charlie can get you a sweet deal on AstroTurf for your landscaping, your playgrounds, your pets and your private mini-golf course that you know you want to install right now…

You can get more info here:

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Contact Charlie directly for the best deals.

surfacingguy@gmail.com

 

 

Turning My Life Into a TV Show

Season One Cover Art
Concept art photographed/edited by Alison Ostler. Modeled by Hailey Stephens*

If you didn’t already know, my latest project that I’ve been writing is a teen drama/comedy television show called “Identity Crisis”. The show is mostly based around my own life. My experiences, my friends, my crushes, my heart aches and my hilarities.

Synopsis: After a messy break-up with her overly religious boyfriend, Elle seeks revenge by trying to fit in with a group of burnouts. After spending time with her new friends however… she begins to wonder who “the bad kids” really are.

 

 

Season 2 Cover Art
Concept art photographed by Alison Ostler. Modeled by Hailey Stephens*

 

I didn’t write it just to be self absorbed. (Even though yeah sort of). I wrote it because I had a lot of old crazy memories that I didn’t know what to do with. I guess I’ve never been much of a conventional diary person. The idea to make an autobiographical TV show was always a consideration. Even when I was personally living major plot points of the now-series, I remember thinking… Wow… this could make a good soap opera. I actually came up with names for a couple of the main characters at the time (“Ronnie Johnson” and “Adam Levenski”). So yeah, I’ve been kicking around the idea for a while now.

 

Season 3 cover art
Concept art photographed/edited by Alison Ostler. Modeled by Hailey Stephens*

 

Here’s a short sample from the pilot episode, if you’re interested in checking it out. (Disclaimer: mild language and drug use)

Identity Crisis EP1_ACT1

I’ve been writing the show since August 2016. I’m currently working on season 5 of the six season set (each with 10 individual episodes). I have a small circle of readers who have been asking for the novelization or production of Identity Crisis. But unfortunately, because the show is based on real people and events it would need to be further fictionalized before I would release it publicly. If there’s enough interest in it, I will add the revision to my project line-up.

For a quick overview of each season you can also check out the main description page here:

Identity Crisis

 

*Fun fact! Hailey is wearing my authentic high school clothes in the photos. During the shoot I couldn’t stop talking about how weird it was to see a teen dressed up like “teen-me” and Hailey kept laughing at what I used to wear a decade ago.

 

If I ever DID make the show, let me tell you who I would want to do all the music. My friend Chris is insanely talented, his voice makes my heart weep with joy. Listen to this song. And then you know what? Go and listen to all of his other songs! You will not be sorry. Be prepared to fall in love.