Accidentally Feeling Up a Football Player

Hi, welcome to last week’s blog this week. Does anyone even notice stuff like that? Oh well, here’s your embarrassing story…

I never really had crushes on jocks growing up. I think probably because they weren’t geeky enough for my taste. But I guess that’s some typical girl thing? I mean I only see it in EVERY SINGLE TEEN ROMCOM EVER.


Well anyways I guess after seeing the personality-less jock trope for the 500th time, it got me really thinking… Like, have I ever had that kind of crush though? I had to push through a lot of band geek / theater boy memories but then I REMEMBERED THIS THING THAT HAPPENED.

I can safely say that no, I’ve never really been that interested in a sportsy guy. But there was this one football player that I recognized to be quite a pretty man.


For the sake of this story we’ll call him… ‘Stallion’ haha. (I never had enough of a crush on him to make up a proper codename at the time.)

So Stallion and I always had the same gym class. It was weird. Like no matter what grade, semester, A day B day, we always got put into the same gym class… maybe the school had to make up for my lack of physical skill by putting in an athlete like iono.

Anyways, we’re playing flag football. Woo hoo *sarcasm*. As soon as I left my high school theater room I was pretty much out of my elemenet for any other skill/interest. So just like any other boring gym day I casually stayed the furthest away from the game, while still trying to look like I was actually doing something.


I was having a great time daydreaming UNTIL Stallion intercepts the ball and starts running in my direction for a touchdown. He had red tags and I had yellow tags. Which meant that NOW instead of avoiding the game it was my responsibility to pull the flag off this guy that played for the school team.

I made the most half butt attempt to stop him. I reached out and ran like four steps. See, coach? Go sports! Don’t fail me okay? He made the touchdown. (Big shockeroo there)

He walks towards me and he says something like, “Hey you almost got me.” Yeaaaah *shifty eyes*. But this is like the first time I’ve ever even heard Stallion’s VOICE so I’m intrigued enough to engage in this conversation.

As I took a step towards him, I stepped into a freaking hole. My toe caught the side and my knees just buckled from under me.


Honestly, if I had just fallen on my face that would’ve been okay. I would have gladly taken that over what happened instead. Instead, Stallion reached out and tried to stop me from falling.

It wasn’t a good catch at all. He just kinda limply held me in his arms as my knees continued to buckle. AND the thing is that when you feel yourself fall you put your arms out in front of you right? Yeah. So I put my arms out in front of me as he stepped forward and ‘caught’ me.

My palms slid all the way down his freaking torso. Slowly too. Creepily slowly as I fell. Like if I had been in a cartoon it would have made a very loud squeegee sound.

giphy russ

The game is just halted as everyone watches me seductively slide down this poor boy.

My friends even asked later if I had tripped on purpose to be able to feel down his rippling abs. It was all horrible. I spent the rest of the semester pretending to forget my gym shoes and hiding in the supply closet.



What Does a Stay At Home Mom DO All Day?

*NOTE: Mothers who work full time are actually amazing and I admire their ability to balance that into their lives. But I DON’T ADMIRE mothers who shame other mothers and act like they are the superior beings. JANICE! This meme got me TRIGGERED

You stay at home with your kid all day? Liyke, what do you EVEN doooOOOOoooOOOoooo?


Alright, well, this is what my average day looks like:

8:30 Get him up and dressed.

Sometimes if I’m lucky, he’ll want to cuddle into me for a bit. I give him breakfast (which is usually waffles and cereal) and I put on Sesame street. While he’s distracted and buckled into his high chair I RUN, take a shower and get dressed for the day.

9:30 ‘No-screen-play-time’


This is usually the second most exhausting time of the day. It involves a lot of going up and down the stairs, opening and slamming doors, jumping on the bed… I have to SECURELY HIDE my phone and remotes to pull off no screen time.

11:00 Probably caving into more screen time

Around this time I’m usually like, okay… let me destroy you with more TV. Jack LOVES music videos! So he’ll usually go for that. He likes Coldplay, OK GO, Fun, Fall Out Boy, selective Taylor Swift (he’s really picky about her stuff), weird viral music videos like Gangham Style and that Pineapple Pen song.

12:00 Lunchtime!

By now I’m usually giving him a hot dog or a sandwich OR BOTH. (He eats a lot). String cheese, veggies, maybe a cookie 😉 😉

1:00 Nap


Finally! The glorious nap time! Jack is a good sleeper, so I can count on at least two to three hours. Sometimes he’ll fall asleep right away, sometimes I have to put him down like three or four times while he laughs at me.

This would be a good time to get cleaning done… you’re right. It would. BUT I try to reserve this time for writing. That way I’m working on it everyday and it’s just a way to ensure that mommy gets time for herself.

4:00 snack / hobbit dinner / outing

Like I said, he eats a TON. Dad doesn’t get home until later and I know that he won’t make it until then so I feed him when he wakes up. After he eats, this kid needs to GET OUT. Lately, it’s been freezing outside so it’s been hard finding things to do. Sometimes we visit someone. Sometimes we just straight up go to a toy store and run around. The afternoon outing is interchangeable with the morning playtime and I do that sometimes especially if grandma invites us out to lunch or something.

5:30 starting dinner, trying and failing to do a last minute clean before dad gets home


This is the hardest part of the day. I’m running around like a zombie while Jack is pawing at my legs and crying because I’m not playing with him. Aaaargggh! Sometimes I leave my phone on the floor at my feet so he can have a go, but then he usually tries to video chat random contacts in my phone.

6:30 Dan is home and we have dinner together

I’m so glad when daddy comes home. Glad as I can be. We all have dinner together (including Jack whose hobbit dinner is wearing off by then).

7:15 Mommy needs to freaking LAY DOWN

Dad usually plays a game of Hide and Seek with Jack, (his favorite thing). When Dad is exhausted we have family time by watching a couple of Fail videos on YouTube which our little one year old is all about tbh.

8:15 Bedtime routine

Jack gets a bath. Jammies. A book that he picks out. His teeth brushed while he tries to push you away. Family prayer. A song. Tucked in.

8:30 Bedtime

Now Mommy and Daddy can binge watch Catfish and eat the ice cream that we didn’t want to share with our son.



Trapped by a Parade of 2,000 Naked Bicyclists (No Joke)

My parents had this fun incentive that every time one of their children graduated from high school, that graduate got to pick where we went for our summer vacation. And while the limit of my imagination was California, my little brother chose to go to Europe.

June 2014, we were in London: me, my immediate family, a couple of my brother’s friends and my then fiancee Daniel.

We were scheduled to tour the River Thames, which I was particularly excited for because we were going to float past the recreation of the Globe Theater. And, hey, Shakespeare is sorta my thing. I was even IN an award winning Shakespearean play that summer so *sniffs and tosses hair over both shoulders like a snob*.

I was in the hotel getting ready to leave. When Dan calls me from outside.

DAN: Hey… There’s something really weird going on out here.

VAL: Oh, yeah?

DAN: There’s a big crowd of people… I think it might be a protest or something…

DAN: … … You should come down here.

When my family and I stepped out of our hotel we were greeted by a huge crowd of butt naked people standing around with bikes.


So I guess the World Naked Bicycle Ride is a thing. (Don’t click on that unless you want to see nudies. NSFW. You’ve been warned.)

Us kids had a pretty good laugh at it, as my conservative parents were trying to herd our wandering eyes down to our river boat tour. We were only one crosswalk away from the dock before we found out that the streets were completely closed off.

So here we were caught watching the craziest parade ever. Thousands of naked dangling bodies zipping by us. Some were on rental bikes, which was… not something I wanted to think about too hard.


(You know. In a weird way it was a confidence booster. In our society we never really see any ‘average-looking’ naked people. If you feel like you don’t look that great naked. Hey. Neither does anyone else. And I’ve seen a small towns worth of naked people to know. Everyone’s got rolls and flab. Guys are pretty much the same size… well okay, there was one guy that was “particularly brave”.)

Anyways, my mom is SUPER pissed off that we can’t cross the street. We’re about to miss our river boat tour because we can’t get around this moving wall of butt-cracks on bicycles. She WIGS THE FREAK OUT and just FLIPPING steps out INTO the middle of the parade.


The guy has to squeeze his hand break and like skidded on his bare feet to stop from hitting my mom. Four to five people behind him are swerving and stopping and almost falling over. I thought for sure I was about to see my mother buried by an avalanche of a$$. She’s like waving us all to cross the street after she had just created the most awkward pile up in history.

That was embarrassing AF, but we made the river tour.

I feel like I can count that as one of the craziest things that has ever happened to me. I mean seeing a thousand lil’ Johnsons in one day is up there. I post crazy stories every month now, so if you haven’t subscribed yet, you may want to consider it.


First Two Pages of My Novel

I don’t know why I’m so nervous to share this! Okay… well, you know… this hasn’t seen the professional editor yet or anything, so it could drastically change from here to there. Hedging. Hedging. Hedging. This is the beginning of my Young Adult novel so far. *frightened squeal* Ohmigosh, here it is. I hope you like it.


Chapter One


It was the worst day ever to get a zit.

Every day was a bad day to break out. But why did it have to happen on that day? The day that Elle had been dreaming about since she was ten. The day she would finally tell Brandon Farr her true feelings for him.

The drums from the marching band somehow played louder than her pulsating heart as she stood next to him on the top row of the bleachers. The crowd around them yelled at the top of their lungs as the football players lined the field. Brandon focused completely on the game, his piercing blue eyes switching from player to player, trying to predict where the ball was going to go.

How was he going to react when she told him? She couldn’t stop rehearsing the words in her mind. I’m so glad that my family moved back here. I’m so glad that we go to the same high school now. I’m so glad that I finally can see you in person rather than stalking you on social media every day. Elle rubbed the back of her rock stiff neck. Who was she kidding? How could he accept her with her greasy face, sweaty hands and limp, little locks of hair?

She was panicking. She forced herself to look away from him and out at the mountain range that stood as a backdrop for her new high school. Red was beginning to choke the green in the leaves, making the hills look like a melted crayon box. Bright yellows and deep purples turned pastel as dusk settled over the valley. California was pretty too, but paled in comparison to Utah’s majestic autumn colors.

“Come ON!” Brandon yelled as the referee made some call that Elle didn’t understand. But really, Elle didn’t understand any part of this game. She cheered when Brandon cheered and booed when he prompted her to. She didn’t ask him any dumb questions even when they scored a goal that somehow was worth a handful of points instead of one.

She glanced at the giant digital clock on the scoreboard. Not that she could care less about Greenwood High being down by two, but it was only a few seconds until half-time and that was the moment that she would put her confession plan into effect. Her skin tightened around the Mount Vesuvius on her cheek. She covered the pimple with her hand as delicately as she could.

On the other side of her, Josh cupped his hands to his mouth and yelled, “Let’s go Greenwood!” Josh was a junior like them. He wasn’t half as dreamy as Brandon behind his thick rimmed glasses, but he really was the sweetest guy, a real non-confrontational type.

She would have to figure out how to get Brandon alone though. Away from the crowd and the game, some place without Josh there. It wouldn’t be easy, but she could probably talk him into skipping the half-time show for a quick walk. Or if she dropped her purse from the bleachers, he could come with her to retrieve it. Elle pulled the strap off her shoulder.

It was a long drop to the grass below. How suspicious would it be if she started removing everything breakable from her purse? This wasn’t the best idea. She should wait until he took her home after the game. That was assuming he would offer her a ride. But why wouldn’t he? He only lived a couple of blocks away from her. They even went to the same church. Anywhere else that wouldn’t mean anything about proximity, but in Utah there was a Mormon church building on every block, dotting the town more frequently than gas stations.



That’s it. That’s the first two pages. If you liked that, there are 200 or so more where that comes from. I may be needing some volunteer readers, so subscribe to follow along for more news!


The Cat in the Window Well

K. This isn’t even a funny story. It’s just really stupid.

When I was a kid we lived in this Ivory Home development and we had some cuh-razy neighbors. I don’t remember everything that they did, but I do remember that before they got busted for dealing drugs, they adopted a tiny kitten. I really mean tiny. So tiny that it could fit through a single hole in the chain link fence. I know, because that’s what it did every day.

This kitten was cute but also kind of dumb. And I’m only saying that because it would fall into our window well pretty much biweekly. Once it was stuck there, it would scratch on the window and meow until we did something about it.


Now the thing was at our house we were not permitted to go into any of the window wells since it was a Black Widow Metropolis. So we would have to get either Mom or Dad to climb in there and rescue it.  Sometimes the same second that we would dump it on the other side of the fence it would jump back through to our side. Maybe it was trying to make a better home for itself. I don’t know.

ANYWAYS. So one summer night, lil’ ol’ high school me was asleep in my bed, when suddenly I heard some distinct scratching from the outside of my window.


Most people would think that it was a tree branch or something. On a good day, I would assume it’s the girl from The Ring. Whatever. But you know when you’re half awake and your dream brain kicks in with it’s thread-bare logic?

I sat up out of bed with a thought that I hadn’t had since I was nine… A cat fell in my window well. 

Now, at this point I could A) Open the blinds and see what is making the sound. B) Why the eff would a cat be in there? Just go back to sleep and forget about it. But no. I opted for C) wake up my mom to save the cat. For I cannot, for I am but a child.


My poor mother gets out of bed, shuffles down into the basement and opens up my blinds (something that a sixteen-year-old should be capable of). Nothing is there. I point out the motion sensor light like a true Sherlock though. The cat MUST HAVE jumped back out. See sensor light? See logic and reason? See me so smart? Mom’s like whatevs and goes back to bed.

THE NEXT MORNING I’m carpooling to work with my best friend Greg and WHAM. It all comes back to me. And if you couldn’t tell from my needlessly long blog posts, I love a weird story. So I immediately tell him all about it. This cat fell into my window well last night and by the time my mom and I checked it out… it jumped back out. OoooOOoooooh.


I tell freaking EVERYONE about this, okay. All my coworkers, my boss, random people I hardly knew. I even told the big HS crush, because of course I did. A cat scratching at my window, wow, wasn’t he impressed. And quite frankly my desperation with him alone has generated six or seven other embarrassing stories. (Gosh, at least.) But that’s another Thursday.

So anyway, a whole work day has gone by of me blabbering on about this. Greg and I are outside painting. For some reason, I’m still on it, like woah dat cat tho. Can you even believe a cat fell in my window well?

He replies with, “Yeah and that cat’s name is Greg and Kayla.”

Yep. So my two besties were scratching at my window and gave up when I refused to open the blinds … AND he let me tell everyone that it was a stupid cat. All day. In great detail.

I threw my paint at him. All the paint.

Taking a Toddler to Disneyland AND a Cruise

My resolution for 2018 has been to “try not to automatically assume the worst thing is going to happen”. And to start out the new year we really put my fears to the test by taking our 18-month-old on a very ambitious vacation.

It’s hard. Maybe it’s a mother bear thing, because eventually you train yourself to predict what will happen with your child. “Don’t play near that table, you’re going to knock your teeth out. Don’t sit on the sofa like that, you are going to fall backwards. Everyone hide all phones and remotes or we’re about to have a meltdown.” As our vacation drew near all I could think about were my disastrous predictions. But you know what? Overall, I will say that my negative expectations were very much proven wrong.



Expectation: Jack will throw a HUGE tantrum on the plane and it will be a miserable two hours.

Reality: Jack did fine on the plane. Everything else went wrong.

Seriously. Jack on the plane, total angel. Trying to get on the plane. PBBBBBBBTTTTTTTHPPPPPPPPT! (In case you couldn’t tell that was me blowing a raspberry with my thumb pointed down) Our boarding pass didn’t print. Security was backed up. My baby food tested positive for bomb material for some reason. (TF!?) The amount of freaking money we spent on a Taxi, I was like, really? Why don’t you just float us across the pacific then for that kind of room and board.

Finally, we made it onto the ship and met up with family. Then I could focus on the SINGLE BIGGEST FEAR of the trip…

Expectation: Jack wont sleep a wink in his stranger danger porta crib.

Reality: Jack slept so deep that he might have slipped into several comas. I’m not sure

Yes, those are naughty pacifiers for a toddler.

When we went camping to witness the Solar Eclipse… it was a nightmare, okay. We had to take turns sleeping in the car to actually get our child to stop screaming at least. This time, zonked. He didn’t care. He didn’t even wake up through the several announcements and alarms leading up to the mandatory safety meeting. Neither did Dan. The two would’ve gone down with the ship, still synchronize snoring in the cabin.

Turned out, not even a marching band could wake this child. He slept through lights being turned on, he slept through us talking and laughing at normal volume. He even slept through the Disneyland fireworks show which sounded like a full on air raid TBH.


Excuse my dead child

Expectation: We won’t be able to see much of Mexico and have to come back early so Jack can nap on the ship.

Reality: We got to do a day excursion and Jack napped on the go.

See, I told you about the sleeping thing.

We got to do some street shopping and see ‘La Bufadora’, which is like the Old Faithful of the Mexican coastline. “Really?” No, not really at all actually, but still. AND THE TACOS OMG! If you are wondering whether I purchased a very expensive cruise ticket just for Mexican tacos… then you clearly have never had authentic Mexican tacos. Good day, sir. I SAID GOOD DAY.


Expectation: It will be rough keeping Jack entertained.

Reality: It was rough keeping Jack from having fun.

All this kid wanted to do was run around. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Lapping the length of the ship over and over. Up, up, up and down, down, dooooooownnn each and every staircase he could find. He had to explore every single inch of the ship. The Casino, the smoking areas, fire station units, stranger’s cabins. I swear, Jack’s dream vacation would be to go to a giant enclosed football stadium, have someone wind up the key in his back and spend the week doing endurance training. It was hard to get him to SIT DOWN. Or you know, step away from the toddler-sized gaps in the railing on the upper deck.


2018-01-07 12.09.14-2

Expectation: We will be twiddling our thumbs all day.

Reality: We did tons of fun stuff. It turned out to be one of my favorite days.

We had nothing planned for this day, other than we knew we would do something with my husband’s side of the family (with whom we shared the cruise with) and then something with my side of the family later on (with whom we were to share Disneyland with). But none of us, really had any plans in mind. So we ended up hanging around Hollywood.


Okay, so I had never been to the tar pits before. We ended up spur of the moment going there… I turned into a nine year old boy. I just REALLY needed to see something sink into that tar. So I peer pressured [bullied] my husband until he threw a big rock in there AND IT WAS SO CEWL OMG LIKE SOMETHING STRAIGHT OUT OF AN ODDLY SATISFYING COMPILATION ON THE YOUTUBES!

Afterwards we all had a nice uplifting Sabbath lunch at Hard Rock Cafe. Somehow my baby slept through like 40 minutes of concert-level music. (Why do I worry about things?) He of course later woke up to get in on rocking out. –Hard Rock Cafe is kinda like my thang. So I was very hyper and talkative [annoying?]–

Hard Rock Cafe also happened to be neighbors with Grauman’s Chinese Theater, so we stopped there too because eh, why not?

“Eh, why not?”



Expectation: Jack wont be able to do much.

Reality: There was so much for Jack to ride that we didn’t even get to all of it.

Someone once told me that there isn’t a lot for babies to do at Disneyland, but THAT AIN’T TRUE! I think it’s easier to name the rides that babies CAN’T go on than the ones that they can. I can’t say the same for California Adventures but at the OG uhhhh YEAH! It’s a family place for a reason.

Pluuuuus Grandma and Grandpa took Jack back to the hotel for his afternoon nap. While Dan and I got to ride all the big people rides. Yeah, whassup Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Forbidden Eye. Space Mountain I’m looking at you, sailor. It was the best date ever.

NUMBER ONE TAKE AWAY ADVICE FOR PARENTS WANTING TO BRING TODDLERS ON VACATION: Bring other adults with you. Seriously, it was a relief both on the cruise and at the amusement-park-designed-specifically-for-parents-to-enjoy-with-their-children-but-maybe-he-enjoyed-his-nap-tho-shuttup.



Expectation: Disneyland would be rained out and half closed.

Reality: It was ABSOLUTELY the most darling and wonderful Disney day.

The days we went to Disneyland were the days California decided to flood.

We were gearing up for our underwater Disneyland tour, when guess what? It turned out to be a perfectly sunny day. (And the crowds were frightened away too) Walked on to every ride, had a marvelous time. And OH NOT TO MENTION. Jack just happened to meet his hero after riding the Winnie the Pooh ride a few times in a row.

Let’s play a game, who is more excited to meet Pooh. Jack or Mom?


It was a lovely trip and here’s my takeaway… That scary thing you’re thinking of doing? Look, you should just do it. It’s likely that your expectation of an EPIC FAIL may actually be just an expectation and nothing more.

The Girl Who Cried Celebrity

Keanu Reeves came up and talked to me at the Burger Bar, but no one believes me.


A couple of weeks ago, we went to California for a family vacation (all of which I will blog about next Thursday). The last time we went to Disneyland, there was *an incident* that Dan still teases me about everyday. It’s just that – ‘kay – I am the type of naive person that jumps to the most magical of conclusions, even if it’s not likely.

It’s summer 2015. We go out to eat at Blue Bayou with my family. If you don’t know what that is, it’s the restaurant that is inside the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Seriously, like people are riding past in boats watching you eat. When you go there, you’re basically cast as one of the animatronics.


Just like everything else in Disneyland it’s very spendy and ritzy, probably even more so than other places in the park. (Not bragging, but this is important to the story, I promise.) My mom nudges me and points out a guy sitting in a really nice corner of the patio. She’s like OMG doesn’t that dude look like Walt Disney?

He did. Did I automatically think that he was actually Walt Disney? No. Did I automatically think that he was his nephew, Roy Disney Jr? Uh, yeah, you bet your childlike wonder I did.


I am freaking out like this guy has to be Roy Disney Jr. Or family. OR SOMEONE. Because exhibit A) he was by himself. Um, okay. Who is ever at Disneyland by themselves? Eating at one of the most expensive places… like, I’m a sixty something year old dude and imma treat myself to a Disney day? Come on. Isn’t that just a little suspicious? Even if his family wasn’t hungry and decided to do rides, like how is he going to be at having a lonely filet mignon instead of like a giant turkey leg or a churro or something. Also it was the day before the sixtieth anniversary. So why wouldn’t the Disneys be there?

Well, whatever. He leaves. Never confirm who it was. Obviously it wasn’t Roy, because he passed away several years ago, but that was unbeknownst to me at the time. Later on after using the bathroom by the New Orleans train station, my dad very excitedly tells me that he saw that SAME GUY go into the illusive Club 33 nearby.


I screamed at the top of my lungs,”I KNEW IT!!”… And then everyone started laughing at me. Ha. Ha. Very funny. Take advantage of my outrageously high hopes. Whatever.

Anyways, long story short (too late), I’m sort of the butt of the joke when it comes to stuff like that.


Okay, fast forward to now. January 2018. We had just finished up another trip to Disneyland and we were in the Long Beach airport about to go home. As we were walking the length of the airport I notice a guy in front of us. WHOA! This guy looked EXACTLY like Keanu Reeves. Like if you cut his hair and shaved off his beard, I mean- seriously he could get into movie premieres, you know what I mean? Total twin.

keanu is sad / sad keanu | know your meme on Keanu Reeves Meme Generator

I point him out to Dan who rolls his eyes so hard it probably hurt a little bit. Then I kind of forget about it.

Dan has the baby and I go up to get us food at ‘The Burger Bar’. I got chicken strips because whatever I order I have to share with Jack. They tell me it’s going to take 15 minutes to cook. So alright, I’m just standing there super awkwardly waiting for my food.

A guy steps over to me. “Hey, have you ordered?”

It’s the Keanu Reeves look alike. And oh my gosh, now that I’m getting an up close view, I’m like HOLLLLLLLYYYYY SHHHHHHHH- This could be him.


I mean, yeah, if he bent one of the spoons I would have been less surprised. It would have confirmed that Neo was actually talking to me at least. Even the voice. That whispity flat voice, you know? (Descriptions and stuff. Don’t worry, I’m an author.)

We’re standing next to each other as we wait for our food. (!!!) And I’m dying to ask, “Has anyone ever told you you look just like Keanu Reeves? … like, are you?” The thing though, is that there are a bunch of other people around. I don’t want to out him. This guy is just trying to get a burger, he doesn’t want to get stuck taking pictures with people.

So I never found out for sure.


The next day someone had posted a meme of him, and I was like waaaaait… I googled what he looks like currently. And guys. It was him.


This guy at the airport had the same exact hair and the same patchy beard. Keanu Reeves talked to me and stood next to me. 100%. Even more convinced now after finding pictures for this blog post.

And of course, it happened to ME ONLY, so no one believes it. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Novel Update Also New Blog Schedule

Hey there, hi there, ho there.

So I’ve been writing a book, which you may have already heard about. If you were wondering how that is going… Ummmmmm… THIS GIRL IS ON FI-ARE!!!

Like I’m not even sure what is going on. I wrote the entire first draft in twenty freaking days. And I guess that wasn’t over-achiever enough for me because I revised and rewrote the entire second draft the following month. So that means, that from the 1st of November to the 28th of December, I wrote, redrafted and rewrote a 200 page novel.

While also designing covers. While also being a mom of a toddler. While also holidays and stuff. Whaaaaaat even happened? Like maybe I’m actually a cyborg or something? Because I don’t even know how that could have actually been a thing.

But yeah! That happened. Will that happen again in my life? I doubt it. But right now my little book is pushing right along. Only three people have read it so far, but the numbers are adding up quickly. Right now, I have two critique partners scrutinizing their way through it, as well as an editor lined up. Even though this process is going quick for me (NOT NORMAL) I’m still trying to be thorough and am planning on a few more drafts (Started draft three today WHAT EVEN). Depending on what the editor says I’ll likely be sending it off to agents in the summer. (AAAAAAAAAAAAH!)

So that’s crazy.


Also a while back I posted a survey asking what I should do with the blog in 2018. ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OF YOU requested that I please keep the embarrassing stories segment… which I have tons of material for so that’s not a problem. I was glad to see that the “story time format” was so well loved, because I have soooo many stories outside of the embarrassing realm. Which brings me to this…

I am adding a second monthly story time called “The Craziest Things That Have Ever Happened to Me”

You can expect the first installment of that next Thursday, where I tell you something that happened to me just last week. Very exciting. Subscribe so that you don’t miss a single ridiculous story.

Here’s a visual representation of the 2018 schedule:

Week 1: Mommy Post / Family Things

Week 2: Embarrassing Stories

Week 3: Writing Updates / Samples / Various Essays

Week 4: The Craziest Things That Have Ever Happened

Occasional Week 5: Lazy Recipes

The Time I Took An Awkward Selfie

I was in the Arts Building at the University of Utah. I had just come out of a meeting with my supervisor and decided to hit the restroom before class… when I decided to do something very stupid. Typical, typical Val.

There are two types of people in this world: people who play on their Smart Phones while doing their biz on the can and LIARS.

So I’m on the toilet, probably taking a quiz to find out which salad best suits my astrological needs. My best friend Kayla sends me a Snap Chat asking me what I was up to.

Oh ho ho.


In case you haven’t read about it already, I am essentially a 10 year old. My sense of humor is SO stupid that the trailer of my life would probably have multiple fart sounds and record scratches.

So I’m all, “Guess I gotta show her what I’m up to then”. And I take a picture of myself sitting on the toilet.


Wow. Jeez. Val. Yuck. Yeah. That’s pretty embarrassing. NO! THAT’S NOT EVEN THE EMBARRASSING PART.

The embarrassing part was that I forgot that my phone was set to atomic blast sound level. The fake shutter click just like BOOMED out through the public restroom. There were at least two other girls in there who now knew that I was in there… taking pictures of … whatever.

I literally had to sit on the toilet for another fifteen minutes, just to wait for them to leave so I didn’t have to look them in the eye.

You think that would deter me from toilet selfies, but not at all.


Here’s one from when I had actually put make up on that day, but never got a chance to leave the house. You wanna judge me, that’s cool, but make-up is expensive! Couldn’t let it go to waste.

… Get it? Couldn’t let it go to waste. *fart sound* *record scratches* *canned laughter*



The Worst Christmas Present

You know that person that never wants or needs anything so they’re impossible to buy for? That’s my brother. I never know what to get him, so instead we came up with a beautiful Christmas tradition…

To try and get each other the worst Christmas presents possible.


Here is what I managed to get my brother this year:


An instructional DVD of how to become a Mary Kay consultant


A VHS of the classic hit “Crawlers”


Party Cheetos


Pete the Repeat Parrot, which is a repeat gift of something that we treasured(?) from our childhood.


An outdated Algebra textbook for a class he’ll never take


A Blockbuster membership card


Here’s what he got me:


Fist of all this is the box it came in.


A DVD to entertain our cats when we’re away… we do not own a cat


A buttload of expired groceries from my mom’s food storage (that I was told he wrapped the day of)

… Also dehydrated water (which my mom demanded back for some reason? Not pictured.)


The coup de grace, an actually DVD copy of my number one worst movie I’ve ever seen.